Santa Claus:
Sweet robes, Obi, Wan-too-many days in the sun?
Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun!
I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer!
You represent sandals and a scraggly beard!
I'm from the North Pole! That's why my rhymes are so cold!
I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal!
You been a naughty boy. You brought a plague of frogs.
You best arrest yourself, you broke your own law!
Or was there something in rule six I didn't understand?
My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand."
I read your book. You got a strict religion.
No bacon? But mandatory circumcision?
I'm a jolly bowl a jelly, giving holiday presents.
But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!
Moses:
When I was high upon the mountain, God revealed the truths of the Earth.
But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf.
It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass.
You took the Christ outta Christmas and just added more mass.
You need to stop breakin' into houses and creepin' and peepin'
On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep your hands off my stocking.
Don't you Ho-Ho me.
I'll split your ass in half like I did the Red Sea.
You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow.
Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go.
Santa Claus and the elves:
We ain't slaves! All that sand turned your brain to mush!
I think you need to stop smoking all that burning bush.
Yeah, we're magical workers, man! We hang with reindeers.
Yo, here's a GPS! Who gets lost for 40 years?
You're a glorified secretary, so write this down!
Begat deez nutz! Santa Claus is coming to town!
Moses:
So much drama in the Israe-L B.C.
It's kinda hard talking directly to the G O single D.
Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle for y'all.
Thou shalt not let children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall.
I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy,
And walk off into the land of my milk and honeys.
Scrapped lyrics
Moses:
I crossed deserts and scaled mountains with my staff
How else do you think I got these two golden calves?
This mofo ain't got mojo like Moses
Mo' money is yo' motivation and you know this
I'm the prophet's prophet fo' sho' yo
You're a prostitute for profit so ho ho ho
You're a UPS man who doesn't get paid
Watch out Santa cuz you're about to get sleighed
You hang with elves and deer whose noses glow
When I'm finished with my crew you'll be screaming, let my little people go
I'm a prophet you're a fat saint named Nick
I took my folks and led them out of Egyptian evil
I'm talking Exodus, movement for Jew(ish?) people
I'm a prophet who stayed on a mountain for 40 nights before I came off it
You're a puppet for profit hungry rich motherfuckers stuffing their pockets
Lay off the sweets fat man, you're hella chubby
They should call your hood the land of way too much milk and honey
Stay away from my chimney with your candy canes and peppermints
Where I'm from that's called breaking and entering
I'll sick my snake cane on you
Without me there'd be no you
Santa Claus:
You sleigh me? It took you forty years to make your people happy
Christmas is the promised land so get the fuck out
Have fun with Chanukah
I'll deck your balls
